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18.

That’s it. That’s the number. That’s how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep this year. I would know, I’ve kept track. It seems morbid, quite depressing, perhaps a little sad – all of the above. 18 out of 365 doesn’t seem too bad, really. There are definitely people out there who’ve cried many more times this year. There are also definitely people out there who have more reasons to cry than I do. But still, I weep. And what for? Mostly trivial things, sometimes terrible things. Sometimes I cried for no reason at all.

1. 15th January

My birthday. 20 years old. I’ve always cried on my birthday. Usually it’ll occur in the final hours, once I’m in bed. I’ll stare at the ceiling and think about how wonderful everyone had been to me for just a single day and it’ll upset me because they had absolutely no obligation to do so. Happy birthday to me.

2. 9th February

Fear. Stress. I’m trying to organise a new place to live and it’s extremely overwhelming. Nobody is cooperating. Once again, left to do everything. Why can’t things just be easy for once?

3. 18th February

Moved into new place. Exhausted. This is a good cry. I cry because I’m tired but happy because my situation has finally changed. This year starts now.

4. 22nd March

Stress, concern. I can’t concentrate. I’ve fallen behind on uni. I’ve taken on much more than I was prepared to deal with but I’m too stubborn to ask for help. I’m crying because I’m frustrated. Frustrated at myself. Frustrated because I let myself get to this point. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You should have known better than this.

5. 2nd April

Upset. Silly little thing. I saw something I hadn’t wished to see. Silly. I shouldn’t get worked up over these things. I know I have a tendency to overthink. To assume. Silly, silly, go to sleep and forget about it.

6. 11th April

Terrible day. Uni, work, everyone. I’m stressed. I haven’t slept properly for a few days. Lost my appetite. Hungry though, but cannot eat. I’m beginning to hate my studies. It’s tragic because I love the research. Crying because I might have to re-evaluate once again. Why am I always re-evaluating? Why can’t I just be happy with one thing and stick with it? Frustrated.

7. 22nd April

Depressed. I saw more things I hadn’t wished to see. Almost collapsed at work. Haven’t eaten. Barely slept. I stay awake on soda water and lemon. Dry toast, maybe. Vomited last night. Did poorly on an assignment. I’m wasting my time. Upset. Confused. I don’t understand him. I hate everything. I just want to leave. I want to go away and not come back for a while. Started crying in the car on the way home. Haven’t stopped. Startled my housemate. I’ll fall asleep soon, once the headache kicks in.

8. 2nd May

Goodbyes. Disappointment. Regret. Sadness. But mostly disappointment.

9. 16th May

Quit uni. No more. I need to focus on my health. I pass out instead of fall asleep. I collapse. I crumple. I don’t need this stress. I’ve failed everything. Big fat 1’s. My tutors are emailing me, asking what’s going on. I don’t care. I don’t care about them. I don’t care about it. I only care about me. I am the most important person in my life. No more, no more, no more. I don’t want it.

10. 12th June

Memory. Bittersweet. I feel alone. Crying because I don’t know what else to do.

11. 27th July

Angry. I shouldn’t have looked, but I did. Why did I even bother? Delusional, clearly. I mean what else did I expect? Nothing ever goes the way I want it to anyway. Fucking arsehole. I knew it. Toodles to you.

12. 1st September

Confused. Scared to open up. Scared to care. Don’t want to love. Mixed signals in what should be a black-and-white situation. Is it me? Probably. Am I overthinking? Most likely. Still, I’m crying. Hopefully I’ll feel better afterwards. I usually always do.

13. 6th October

It feels like I subconsciously somehow just surround myself with liars. Frustrated. Upset. Too much wine. I need to sleep.

14. 14th October

Money. Where has my money gone? Worried. Cut shifts. Can’t afford groceries. Not many, anyway. Bread and milk. Tins of tuna. Cans of beans. $2 pasta packets. Started smoking again. Stressed. I feel gross. Still confused. Very confused. Confused to the point where I feel sick. You say one thing but have me believe another. You don’t think I see what you’re doing? I don’t know what to do. What am I doing? Where is all my money?

15. 27th October

You can get totally, wholly, absolutely, and utterly fucked.

16. 2nd November

Was this the right thing to do? I don’t know. I don’t know about anything anymore. Confusion. Hurt. So hurt. I don’t need this. Crying because of decisions. Crying because of decisions I didn’t want to have to make so soon. I’m sorry. I don’t want to do this anymore.

17. 22nd November

Haven’t been able to cry until now. Feels strange. Emotionless. There are tears on my cheeks but I feel nothing. I know I won’t feel better in the morning.

18. 14th December

I am alone, but I am content. How tragic that is. I have almost no money. My life is kind of shit. But that’s not what’s bothering me. It’s the loneliness. Empty. Sad. Uncertain. I know what I want but nobody else does and that terrifies them. Crying because it’s always me. I do this. My life feels like just a series of episodes on repeat. The same situation, different faces. Different names. Is this all it will ever be? But it’s okay. I’m content. I’m okay. I’ll carry on, just like I always do.