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By David Coppi

They say good things come in small packages. Really? REALLY?! What about pipe bombs, cockroaches, ebola, Ke$ha, those tiny fish that swim up your pee-hole, iPod mini’s, inverted nipples, staphylococcus, thrush, Bjork when she’s at an airport, pickled onions, splinters, crumbs, thumb tacks, used band-aids, terms and conditions, jelly fish, habanero chilli, fart molecules, and recorders?

Seriously, why are all school children forced to play the recorder? They seem to only attract rats and paedophiles.

I think good things come in big packages. Like waterslides, dragons, Game of Thrones, the sun, the moon, beef burgers, electric guitars, Stephen Hawking and his talking wheelchair, aeroplanes, Victoria’s Secret angels, tropical islands, flat screen TV’s, pizza, Katy Perry, Katy Perry’s tits, barbeques, elephants, spaceships, beards, and the Internet. Oh, and Steven Seagal’s ponytail.