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By P. Dentist

You know what can get fucked? Using the word ‘myself’ in place of ‘me’ or ‘I’. Don’t understand? Let me explain myself.

I myself first became aware of this phenomenon when myself received an email introducing a new employee at work. After a completely unnecessary briefing on homeboy’s employment history, goals, hobbies, hopes, and dreams came a line that changed myself’s life and blood pressure forever.

‘Homeboy will be working directly under myself’ it read.

“Fucking what?” I thought to myself and read over it again to make sure I wasn’t losing myself. Now, if yourself is used to the pointless idioms and flowery language that gets shoehorned into every email in a typical office environment, this might not seem so unusual to yourself, but let me tell yourself; it’s fucking dumb if I do say so myself.

Now all that sounded pretty silly didn’t it? Well let me tell you something, goober. That’s what you people sound like to me. The word ‘myself’ isn’t some sort of magic catch-all to refer to yourself. It doesn’t make you sound smart. In fact, it does quite the opposite considering it’s fucking WRONG most of the time. And look, I know why you’re terrified of using the word ‘me’. It’s because every time you said it as a child in the form of “me and my friend are going to the park” or something, your teacher, mother, priest and probably any adult within earshot hollered “MY FRIEND AND I” in unison. Do you know why they did that? Pro tip, hotshot. It wasn’t because you’re not allowed to use the word ‘me’. Why the fuck would the word exist if you aren’t allowed to use it? The reason those nosy fucks got up you is because you were using it incorrectly. Here’s how it goes down. You are me, you are I. I am he as you are he and you are me and we are all together. Still not following? Here’s a crash course, dummy.

A helpful rule of thumb is that your sentence has to make sense with the second person removed. So if I say “John and I will be going to the gay bar tonight” and then later on John decides he doesn’t want to go to the gay bar, you’re left with “I will be going to the gay bar tonight and I’ll still have the time of my life, with or without John the homophobe”. Now, if I had said “John and myself will be going to the gay bar tonight” and fucking John decides to bail on me AGAIN, you’re left with a very awkward sentence that makes no sense; “myself will be going to the gay bar tonight”. Can you really blame John for not wanting to be seen in public with somebody who talks like that? Now let’s say John forgives me and we make plans to go to the gay bar again, but I’m not entirely sure if he’s going to make it, because John is a flaky fuck and I just don’t trust him. I might say something like “I hope John comes to the gay bar with me”, but as expected, John decides to stay home again, I’m left with “nobody is going to the gay bar with me”.

So now yourself is probably asking yourself when yourself is allowed to use the word ‘myself’ without making yourself sound like a fuckhead. Try this one.

“I’m so proud of myself for reading this article and learning how I can stop talking like a fucking idiot”.