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By Mitch Alexander

Solipsism – Phew, it’s super lucky that literally none of this is likely to be real, because if the world actually existed and was really this bad, I’d probably go hysterical with despair. Unfortunately, this raises a few troubling questions as to why my mind would conjure this particular reality out of all the other possible ones, like the one where puppies can be delivered by Uber and people don’t wholeheartedly support demonstrable evil, but it’s okay. I can deal with that problem later, right after I’ve conjured myself a breakfast burrito for dinner.

Existentialism – You godamn bastard arseholes, how dare you utilise autonomy and existence in such a way as to bring about a state of affairs coherent with your core set of desires, beliefs, and preferences, as you are free to do given your status as a fully-realised moral creature.

Theology – What if, in return for proving your existence without the use of language games or circular reasoning, you manage to right the wrong I think you made. Of course I’m not one to say you got it wrong, you always get everything right, such as is the prerogative of a being defined as always holding all knowable information and having all possible power, along with the assumption that holding full knowledge will always have an agent move towards the good … sorry, yep, doing it again. Word play isn’t helpful. What if you perform a real obvious miracle, like an ocean parting but in reverse, and drown them all? Just let me know ahead of time so I can write up an article and be the first to publish it?

Stoicism – It’s fine. You’re all idiots, but it’s fine. I’m fine. I will actually grow from the experience of ignoring this experience, which is fine, neither good nor bad, and it will maybe also help you grow, which is also fine. I am not one to pine for joy or electricity or a lack of proxy wars, I am one with myself, and it is fine. Everything is fine in how unchangeable it may or may not be. I know this to be fine, because it is all as it should be. Those buffeted along by the vicissitudes of pain and pleasure have ruined this for everyone else, but not me. Because I’m fine.

Nihilism – lol memes